Have you ever had a feeling that something needs to change but you can’t figure out what it is? That’s how I’m feeling right now.
I’ve had an “itch” for probably six months now, but I just chalked it up to cabin fever (Wisco weather, I hate you). I just kept swatting it away like an annoying bug. Then the itch turned into a more nagging feeling that I could no longer ignore or push off. Something in the back of my mind telling me I need a change, though I wasn’t quite sure what that change needed to be. To be honest, I’m still not sure.
That nagging feeling has now taken over my thought process entirely. I dream about it. I constantly think about it. I write about it (like now). I talk about it to my friends. I talk about it to my family. I talk about it to myself. I talk about it to my cat. (What?!) Problem is, I’m still not sure what “it” is, I just know I’m meant to do so much more with my life than what I’m doing now. I can’t ignore a feeling that’s literally taken over my entire being. It’s annoying, really. I kind of wish I had a crystal ball telling me what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve been easily aggravated, tired, stressed and unhappy – all things that tell me something needs to change!
So, here’s my proposition to myself (and apparently the internets since I’m writing about it on the blog). It’s time to figure out what’s right for me. Not for my friends, not what’s going to keep my family happy, not what’s going to “keep the peace” with my jobs. I’m 26 and I’ve lived my most of my life worrying about how my decisions may affect others. It’s about time that I do what’s right for me, even if that takes lots of mistakes to figure it out.
Now I’m at another crossroad in life where I have nothing holding me back, yet I feel trapped. You see, when I feel trapped, I tend to run. Just an instinct. I ran SO fast from my hometown as soon as I was able to because I felt trapped for 18 years. I felt trapped in my last relationship so I ran. I run from any guy that ever tries to date me because I’m afraid I might get trapped again. No more running. I’ve made mistakes, I paid for them and am still paying for them (damn you, credit cards!) I’m feeling trapped again, but this time I refuse to look at it as running – I’m facing it head-on and refusing to let myself be in this funk anymore. I’m fighting.
Time to get healthy. Time to stop closing out every single person that tries to get close to me. Time to find out what I’m passionate about. Time to stop letting people walk all over me. Time to care about me.
Have you ever felt like this? What did you do about it?
And since I can’t do an ENTIRELY serious post, please see below. 🙂