Sorry, ya’ll (I don’t know why I said ya’ll, just go with it) but this is going to be a very different Thinking Out Loud this week, mostly because something happened that I need to get off my chest. That’s what Thinking Out Loud is for, right? When you want to talk about anything? I apologize for the sadness, anger and hurt in the next bit here, but not everything is all butterflies and flowers, right? (Though it should be!)
I’ve obviously dappled in the online dating sphere of life. I’ve already told you guys two crazy stories about my online dating life in the past (Creeper Snacks Guy and Just Plain Creep Guy). You could say that I hate online dating (mostly because I do). I hate the awkwardness of a first date with a guy you’ve been texting, but don’t know if he actually looks like his photo. It’s just not my cup of tea … but I keep doing it anyway.
I met a guy about two and a half months ago that I thought “changed my mind” about online dating. He was (is) a good guy, attractive (though not initially the type of guy I’d be into), had a good job, good family, liked the Packers (<— very important). Our first date went so well, in fact, he asked me on a second date before we even left.
I spent a lot of those first weeks coming up with reasons not to see him all the time because he made me nervous. I wasn’t sure about the attraction level for me, we had some differences (he is still majorly in bachelor mode) but I figured I’d give it a shot. So I started breaking down my wall, brick by brick.
For all of you out there that have been hurt before, I think breaking down that wall for someone new is always terrifying and exciting. Mostly terrifying. I slowly let him into my protective bubble and started letting him see more and more of me. Our relationship moved slowly, but well. I met all of his friends on New Years Eve, watched Packer playoff games with him (big deal if you’re a Packer fan), talked about future dates, dug deep into family issues, etc. He was an amazing, amazing part of my birthday. But something wasn’t right.
I kept pushing off the feelings in my head that I wasn’t “falling fast enough” (I’m usually sister to the lovely Jordyn when it comes to being a hopeless romantic) but that wasn’t happening with him. I chalked it up to the fact that we were taking things slow and I didn’t get to see him very often because he was busy. I felt insecure about how he felt about me, but again … chalked it up to past insecurities. So, in essence, I didn’t listen to my gut.
Recently I had that stomach-dropping feeling of finding out my gut was right all this time. Even though he told me multiple times that he liked me, he never fully showed me. And then he decided that he was done. He told me he didn’t feel a chemistry with me. No conversation, really, he had already made up his mind. I was super calm during the conversation (which is not normal for me, Miss Heart On My Sleeve) and said good-bye to the guy that I was starting to see a future with.
But was I really? Was I really seeing a future with this guy or did I just really want to see a future and he seemed like everything I was looking for? I remember reading Jordyn’s latest posts about how she feels with her new man (seriously, read her blog … she’s such a beautiful writer!), and feeling a pang deep in my stomach because I didn’t feel the same way. Again, chalked it up to the fact that things were moving slow and figured they would come.
I consider myself a romantic person. Someone that loves affection, the “little things”, words that make me feel special. I didn’t get that with him, but that’s who he is (which doesn’t make him a bad guy). I romanticized him in my head because he had everything I was looking for and everything I had hoped to find. He made me laugh, we had fun together and that’s all that mattered. I could get over the fact that he didn’t really touch me in public, didn’t tell me how he felt (unless I asked or we were drinking) and didn’t really ask me how I felt.
None of this makes it hurt any less. Rejection is hard. Rejection makes me numb. That’s how I feel right now – numb. Until someone hugs me, that is. Then I cry … but then I go right back to numb. I’m numb because I’m 27, still single and I just want someone to love and to love me back. Why is that so hard to find? At least this relationship was only two months of my life, instead of ripping apart four years with my last relationship for, in essence, the same reason – no chemistry. And I knew it all along.
Oh, and please don’t take this as me knocking the guy. He’s a good guy, truly he is. I’m grateful that he took the time to talk to me, face-to-face, in a true adult break-up. I just wish he would’ve brought this up sooner instead of making me think something might happen and then blindsiding me. But I understand where he’s coming from and how hard it is to figure out if you’re with the right person for you.
So with that, I leave you for the day and I promise I’ll be back to writing funny things with pretty selfies and giggle-worthy gifs. Thank you (if you made it this far) for listening to me ramble.
Anyone have any great advice? I’m all for that right now. And don’t say ice cream – I don’t want to cry AND be throwing up all night due to my slight lactose intolerance. 😉