Thinking Out Loud #8

Sorry, ya’ll (I don’t know why I said ya’ll, just go with it) but this is going to be a very different Thinking Out Loud this week, mostly because something happened that I need to get off my chest. That’s what Thinking Out Loud is for, right? When you want to talk about anything? I apologize for the sadness, anger and hurt in the next bit here, but not everything is all butterflies and flowers, right? (Though it should be!)

Thinking-Out-Loud2

I’ve obviously dappled in the online dating sphere of life. I’ve already told you guys two crazy stories about my online dating life in the past (Creeper Snacks Guy and Just Plain Creep Guy). You could say that I hate online dating (mostly because I do). I hate the awkwardness of a first date with a guy you’ve been texting, but don’t know if he actually looks like his photo. It’s just not my cup of tea … but I keep doing it anyway.

I met a guy about two and a half months ago that I thought “changed my mind” about online dating. He was (is) a good guy, attractive (though not initially the type of guy I’d be into), had a good job, good family, liked the Packers (<— very important). Our first date went so well, in fact, he asked me on a second date before we even left.

I spent a lot of those first weeks coming up with reasons not to see him all the time because he made me nervous. I wasn’t sure about the attraction level for me, we had some differences (he is still majorly in bachelor mode) but I figured I’d give it a shot. So I started breaking down my wall, brick by brick.

For all of you out there that have been hurt before, I think breaking down that wall for someone new is always terrifying and exciting. Mostly terrifying. I slowly let him into my protective bubble and started letting him see more and more of me. Our relationship moved slowly, but well. I met all of his friends on New Years Eve, watched Packer playoff games with him (big deal if you’re a Packer fan), talked about future dates, dug deep into family issues, etc. He was an amazing, amazing part of my birthday. But something wasn’t right.

I kept pushing off the feelings in my head that I wasn’t “falling fast enough” (I’m usually sister to the lovely Jordyn when it comes to being a hopeless romantic) but that wasn’t happening with him. I chalked it up to the fact that we were taking things slow and I didn’t get to see him very often because he was busy. I felt insecure about how he felt about me, but again … chalked it up to past insecurities. So, in essence, I didn’t listen to my gut.

Recently I had that stomach-dropping feeling of finding out my gut was right all this time. Even though he told me multiple times that he liked me, he never fully showed me. And then he decided that he was done. He told me he didn’t feel a chemistry with me. No conversation, really, he had already made up his mind. I was super calm during the conversation (which is not normal for me, Miss Heart On My Sleeve) and said good-bye to the guy that I was starting to see a future with.

But was I really? Was I really seeing a future with this guy or did I just really want to see a future and he seemed like everything I was looking for? I remember reading Jordyn’s latest posts about how she feels with her new man (seriously, read her blog … she’s such a beautiful writer!), and feeling a pang deep in my stomach because I didn’t feel the same way. Again, chalked it up to the fact that things were moving slow and figured they would come.

I consider myself a romantic person. Someone that loves affection, the “little things”, words that make me feel special. I didn’t get that with him, but that’s who he is (which doesn’t make him a bad guy). I romanticized him in my head because he had everything I was looking for and everything I had hoped to find. He made me laugh, we had fun together and that’s all that mattered. I could get over the fact that he didn’t really touch me in public, didn’t tell me how he felt (unless I asked or we were drinking) and didn’t really ask me how I felt.

None of this makes it hurt any less. Rejection is hard. Rejection makes me numb. That’s how I feel right now – numb. Until someone hugs me, that is. Then I cry … but then I go right back to numb. I’m numb because I’m 27, still single and I just want someone to love and to love me back. Why is that so hard to find? At least this relationship was only two months of my life, instead of ripping apart four years with my last relationship for, in essence, the same reason – no chemistry. And I knew it all along.

Oh, and please don’t take this as me knocking the guy. He’s a good guy, truly he is. I’m grateful that he took the time to talk to me, face-to-face, in a true adult break-up. I just wish he would’ve brought this up sooner instead of making me think something might happen and then blindsiding me. But I understand where he’s coming from and how hard it is to figure out if you’re with the right person for you.

So with that, I leave you for the day and I promise I’ll be back to writing funny things with pretty selfies and giggle-worthy gifs. Thank you (if you made it this far) for listening to me ramble.

dont look back

Anyone have any great advice? I’m all for that right now. And don’t say ice cream – I don’t want to cry AND be throwing up all night due to my slight lactose intolerance. 😉

11 comments

  1. Katie says:

    Ugh, not ice cream, I’m thinking vodka. or a good workout. both of them without a phone in sight. You’re right, at least it was only 2 months, you’re fabulous don’t let him and his strange preferences drag you down.
    Katie recently posted…Princess Half Pre-RecapMy Profile

    • Jessie says:

      Thanks, Katie! I appreciate the support. 🙂 I’m definitely in “mad” mode today. I might take a kickboxing class with a friend tonight to let out some steam. Or continue making up scenarios in my head of me slapping him. 😉

  2. Jordyn says:

    Hi Beautiful! First and foremost you are handling this entire situation so gracefully which really proves you are a lovely and elegant creature.Secondly I think we often romanticize situations and relationships by accident because we are hopeful. Our hope is a beautiful quality (it’s what keeps that glimmery light shimmering in our hearts) but it can lead us to settling for less than the fairytales we deserve. I completely romanticized my last relationship…I called the guy Gatsby for godsake and it wasn’t until the relationship ended that I was able to truly admit that there was a HUGE piece missing. You are so beautiful inside and out you deserve a relationship that isn’t missing a piece. You deserve all the butterflies, the chemistry, you deserve someone who is SO enthralled with you. You deserve passion even if it’s harder and even if it takes longer.

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words about my blog, they mean more than I can truly express. You are so sweet! <3
    Jordyn recently posted…Trusting MyselfMy Profile

  3. Tricia @ MissSippiPiddlin says:

    I don’t have any life changing advice for you but how about a virtual hug instead?? 🙂 It takes a lot of courage to write from the heart and put yourself out there like you have done and I so commend you for that. I think you are well on your way to healing with this first step. #blogtherapy comes to mind. Sometimes you just have to get it out of your system. I hope it gets better for you real soon. Take care! 🙂

  4. Emily @ More Than Just Dessert says:

    I feel like there is something about online dating and avoiding someone after you first go on a date with them….because I do the same thing you did…even when a first date goes well, I still am super nervous and awkward and I avoid seeing them!

    Dating in general is just hard. Being also 27 and also single, part of me really feels like I’m ready to share my life with someone else. On the other hand, I still take advantage of my singleness by doing the things I want to do! By filing my life with decisions I make that make me happy, I figure someone else making those same decisions with similar interests will find me. That’s what helps me get through the days.

    Maybe try and take a few positives that you learned out of this and then go treat yo self! There is someone out there who will definitely show you how much you deserve.
    Emily @ More Than Just Dessert recently posted…My must-haves at Trader Joe’sMy Profile

    • Jessie says:

      Thanks, Emily! I feel the same way. The first day was pretty hard because I was still in shock, the second day I was mad, but now I’m actually doing just fine. I think a part of me knew it wasn’t right, to be honest. We’ll find someone, I’m sure! I’m going to continue doing what you’re doing – just being me and making me happy!

Comments are closed.