I’m going to apologize right now if this is rambly, but ya’ll have read my blog before (unless you’re new, then HI LET’S BE FRIENDS) so you’re probably used to it. But today we’re going to chat a bit about self love.
I’ll be the first to say that self love is hard work. Something I work on every day and I would say it wasn’t something I practiced until a few years ago. Breaking up with a guy you thought you were going to marry in a city you’re not familiar with gives you a LOT of time to reflect and figure your shit out. And I did that.
To give a little background, I’ll just tell you that I’m easily swayed. It’s not a great personality trait, but basically I want everyone else to be happy before myself and it’s something I’ve struggled with forever. I don’t want people to be mad at me. I don’t want people to hate me. It’s a struggle and I’ve definitely screwed myself over before because of that. I will drop anything for my friends and people I love, even when they don’t do the same for me.
This last year I’ve struggled with that. I’ve backed off from a lot of friendships because I feel like I give 100% while they give less than 50%. I’ve focused more on myself and my goals. I blame Marissa Lace’s Year of You stuff for lighting the fire in me.
Where am I going with this? I had a revelation this past weekend while jamming out to Justin Bieber in my car, and I want to tell you about it.
I’ve been struggling with a situation for the past few weeks that I’m feeling really badly about. I’ve cried about it in public. Cried about it on my own. Blabbed to my sister
(sorry, Jen). Blabbed to Brooke (sorry, Brooke). I’m so confused by the way I’m being treated, but I “feel bad” because even though I’m the one being treated poorly, I feel like somehow something must be my fault. I’ve searched high and low trying to figure out what I did wrong, how I can fix it, etc. I hate upsetting people that I care about – hate it more than anything in the world. I just want to make everyone happy and love me and we can just run through flowers, laughing and smiling. 😉
But finally I came to terms with the fact that I can’t fix this and there’s nothing I can do about the way someone else feels. And then I said something I’ve never said before:
“I love you … but I love me more.”
That right there? That sentence? I can’t believe that came out of my mouth. And you know what’s even better? I truly, truly believe it.
And for $*%@ sake, I’m proud of myself.
My feelings matter. My thoughts matter. My ideas matter. My happiness matters. So does yours, but I can only control myself and who and what I let affect me … and I’m just not going to let it affect me anymore. Because I’m feeling awesome, dammit, and no one can take that away from me unless I let them.
Have you ever had a revelation in the car, singing to the Biebs? Just me?