I Hate The Way I Look

*breathes deeply*

Alright, let’s talk about this subject.

I hate the way I look.

Let’s not even sugar coat that.

My body image has basically plummeted the last few months andย all I see is fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Big fat failure.

That’s what I see.

I don’t think this will surprise any of you that have read week after week of “failing” during my IIFYM posts I do.

I’ve gained about 6-7 pounds since my most comfortable(ish) weight. I tried to convince myself that I was just stressed. Or gaining muscle. Or enjoying life. Or getting used to things. Or struggling with hypothyroidism. Or struggling with an eating disorder.ย I can keep going if you’d like to hear all of my excuses. ๐Ÿ˜‰

For any of you that have struggled with being overweight in the past (or any type of insecurity – not for me to judge) you know that sometimes you’ll put on your “fat girl glasses” and that’s all I can see. I see myself at my heaviest weight that’s still 30+ lbs heavier than I am right now, but I see her. I see that girl. And I thought I got rid of her.

And that’s where the problem is. I never “got rid of her” – she is ME.

I was Jessie at 115 lbs growing up when my cheerleading coach told me I was too fat for the uniform and I most definitely wasn’t.

I was Jessie at 165 lbs, my most unhealthy weight after college.

I was Jessie at 122 lbs when I got home from Hawaii, had been restricting myself for months and looked super skinny (which is not the way I want to look, btw).

I was Jessie at 128 lbs in Charleston, feeling a bit bloated from stomach issues, but happy and strong.

I’m Jessie now at 134 lbs, feeling gross.

I’m actually currently sitting on my couch in a bra and underwear because it’s so hot and I keep picking at my bloated stomach and flabby side butt. Yesterday I cried to my boyfriend about feeling so badly about how I look. I cried in a dressing room a few weeks ago because of how I looked. I cried yesterday because I couldn’t believe I “let myself go”.

This is all such bullshit.

I’ve work SO hard for my body and yes, I’ve fallen off the wagon and have been basically been pulled behind that wagon, kicking and screaming for the last four months. No, I will not meet my goal of being 125 lbs by June, which has been my goal since January.

And then there’s Instagram. And YouTube. And my boyfriend’s clients. And my boyfriend, who always has a six pack. There’s so many ways to get into an extremely unhealthy mindset comparing yourself to others. Instead of looking at a girl and thinking she’s beautiful, I now look at a girl, think she’s beautiful and wonder why I can’t look like that. How shitty is that?!

I really don’t have a point to this blog post (if you haven’t figured that out already). All I know is that I’m tired of feeling like crap about myself. I’m tired of binge-eating and hiding it so that no one knows. I’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror and feeling disgusted. I’m tired of not wanting my boyfriend to touch my stomach. I’m tired of rolling my eyes when he or someone else tells me I’m pretty.

I AM T.I.R.E.D.

Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to get back to a point where I feel prettyย and strong. But no matter how much weight I lose or bloat that goes away or muscle that pops through. The real focus needs to be on getting my self-confidence back up to a healthy space. THAT’S what’s important. Now I just need to figure out where to start.

Okay, sorry for the lack of photos but I honestly don’t take them anymore because I’m never “feelin’ myself”. I wrote this post a couple days ago as a way to let off some steam and I had no intention of publishing it, but I feel like I need to.

Have you ever experienced something like this? What do you do to get past it? Help a girl out.ย 

(PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE WEIGHT PERSONALLY. I tried to write this without the weight and it just didn’t flow. I’m not saying you’re fat if you’re over 165 lbs. I’m not saying you’re skinny if you’re under 125 lbs. This is literally me pouring out my heart to you, even though I *know* it’s completely me being too hard on myself. xoxo)

26 comments

  1. Becky says:

    Sister, I feel you. I don’t have an answer for you, as we’re all different, but my one thought that we all can use some more of is Self Care. Do something nice for you. I love that you recognize that the number on the scale doesn’t define you, but I also know how hard it is to keep that number from affecting your mood (I weigh myself, at most, once a week, more like once a month) Give yourself a break – you’re going through a lot of changes – new job, new city, new dog (yay!), and all of these things can be stressors, even if they are good, right? Give that body some love – she does a lot of good stuff for you, right? <3 ๐Ÿ™‚
    Becky recently posted…What are you waiting for? Live your life as if…My Profile

    • Jessie says:

      I think you’re so right. I have ZERO self care. In fact, that’s why I *treated* myself (aka spent all of my moniessss) on getting my hair done tonight. Normally I would rarely do this for myself or reschedule since I don’t have the money right now, but I just feel like mentally I needed something that made me feel pretty. Now, onto self care that’s not $216 (eyeroll). I’m actually thinking about throwing out my scale. It’s nice for tracking, but I wonder if it’d be better for me for now. Hmm… Thank you!!! <3

  2. Liz says:

    I think you said in your post yesterday that you were seeking out a counselor for this? I hope so. I think counseling can benefit EVERYBODY, but especially if you focus on one thing so much. My friend had pretty serious anxiety and did cognitive behavioral therapy and she is like a changed woman! Although I totally get struggling with how we look (I hate my nose and wanted a nose job for years- now I still notice it but with having a kid, I somehow just stopped caring about it so much- although I had a hard time with my new postpartum body for sure!), I think when it’s so consuming and you stop wanting to be touched or stop wanting photos, it’s time to do something. Which I totally get that you know that by your post, I’m just talking out loud! I hope you can get your body image issues sorted out! I think it’s normal to not always love how you look (it’s what drives us to be healthier/fitter/thinner whatever), but I hate that you’re struggling SO frequently with these thoughts!
    Liz recently posted…Keto. Gym. Iceland. LIFE.My Profile

    • Jessie says:

      I actually only have a coach for “life coaching” (so it’s mostly life / business, not necessarily eating issues). I’m trying to set up a meeting with a dietitian at my gym, but so far nothing has worked out. Hopefully soon, though! And you’re right. I think writing this post was my way of putting it out there, holding myself responsible for this negative mindset and work to get back into my positive mindset. And that means not focusing on such specifics when it comes to my health and wellness. In fact, I think it’s been you in the past that’s suggested NOT focusing so much on the number on the scale and I think I’ve agreed with you, but I still did it anyway! I’m actually contemplating throwing out my scale. Hmm … Thanks for the wonderful comment, lady! <3

      • Liz says:

        YES! Throw out your scale! I think it would do wonders for you! I’m sure it would be hard at first not to weigh yourself, but it’d get easier in time. How you feel about yourself should be just that- how YOU feel about YOURSELF- not how you feel about the number on a scale. Especially as you add weight in your lifts, you could end up going up in weight or staying the same, or at least dropping pounds even more slowly, while you’re still leaning out. As you gain muscle, I’d hate for you to keep struggling just because of a number, you know? Physically, you’ve really come a long way! I think you just have to catch up mentally.
        Liz recently posted…Weekend UpdatesMy Profile

        • Liz says:

          Oh, and stop following some of those fitness people on IG for a little time. Good lighting, angles, and flexing do a lot for a body. But if you struggle with comparison, there is just no way that can make you feel better about yourself! Unfortunately, I feel like we just live in a world where social media can totally ruin lives if you let it, because of comparison and diverting attention from “real life” to a “fantasy world.”
          Liz recently posted…Weekend UpdatesMy Profile

          • Jessie says:

            Yes to that! I actually unfollowed some this weekend and honestly, haven’t been on it as much! I’ve been too busy at the new job. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. glenneth says:

    BIG hugs to you Jessie! I think we have all been there. What helps for me is to think of all the things my body can do and does for me each day. Think about how fantastic your body is doing those deadlifts (I know you lift heavy). Think about all that walking you are able to do around Chicago.

    You’ve made a lot of changes in your life recently. Cut yourself some slack. Do what feels good and right. Don’t forget about self-care and self-love.

    Put on a kickass outfit (I know you have quite a few) and go do something fun that you have been putting off!!!
    glenneth recently posted…When You Wake Up & Your Site is DownMy Profile

    • Jessie says:

      Thank you, Glenneth! That’s such good advice. Focusing on the GOOD and POSITIVE that’s happening in my life and not spending so much time on the things that make me feel so bad. Thank you so much for commenting. I really needed to hear this!

  4. Jordyn Sifferman says:

    I think it is so brave of you to share your feelings on this subject. Personally I think we live in a world that glorifies healthy eating and exercise a little too much (hear me out here!!!). Personally I love to run, like to go to the gym a couple times a week and love love love hiking with friends when the weather allows. I think I eat pretty healthy with occasional ice cream binges and by most people’s standards I am “thin”. However there are still MANY days I look in the mirror and think “when did this chub gather around my stomach?” I wonder if there is cellulite on my booty and if my arms look flabby in a certain dress. I feel “skinny fat” on the weeks I don’t work out as much as I would like and sometimes judge myself too harshly for having tortellini for dinner too many nights in a week. I just worry that as a society we make these “fitness stars” on instagram/youtube/blogs out to be GODS when a lot of their habits aren’t all that healthy either (I’d say quite a few demonstrate disordered relationships with eating and exercise). As much as I would love to have the abs of some of these women I don’t think all of our bodies are meant to look that way even if we are eating healthy and exercising. Plus I don’t think it is MENTALLY HEALTHY to spend such a large proportion of time analyzing what I eat and fretting about my next workout. All of that energy comes from somewhere and I think sometimes it takes away from my career, from learning, from loving my boyfriend and siblings and most importantly from myself. Obsessing about food and working out can become disordered too quickly. Okay done with my tangent and I definitely don’t mean to say you have disordered eating (it seems like you are healthy and know about balance) but we all are so hard on ourselves. It’s difficult not to worry we are “losing” something and returning back to an insecure version of ourselves we used to be but as you stated…no matter what you are STILL JESSIE. The confident, strong, accomplished woman you are doesn’t disappear when you have a sugary frappuccino or one two many tacos or gains 5 extra pounds. If you aren’t feeling confident something does need to change but you have SO MUCH going for you in life right now (great new job, great boyfriend, great city, a new puppy coming) those things matter and are worthy of your headspace! Why should your body take up so much space in that mind of yours that is capable of bigger and better things? I’m not saying all of this to lecture you because God knows I’m just as guilty! I just like to remind myself of what a waste of mental energy it is to obsess over something that means so little in comparison to everything else in my life. If you eat well, if you exercise, if you live a good life and you’re still 5 pounds or 10 pounds above your goal weight maybe the goal is the problem and not you? I can’t speak to your experience directly but I try to think of my own life in that way. Sorry for the novel, I just think you are so lovely inside and out and you deserve to be confident and happy. xxoo <3

    • Jessie says:

      Thank you SO much for this extremely thoughtful comment, Jordyn. <3 It made me tear up as I was reading it earlier today in the bathroom at work (ha!) I really am with you on the way the health and fitness world is on Instagram, blogs, YouTube, etc. In fact, I think that's a big reason I posted this post today, even though it literally was just me "word vommitting" because I figured it would resonate with at least one other woman. It has actually resonated and hit home with a lot more than I expected! Everything you're saying is so true and hitting me right in the heart. I do have so many amazing things happening in my life right now and it's ridiculous that I'm spending SO much time in a negative headspace when I have so many wonderful things I could be focusing on. Thank you for the reminder. <3

  5. Sandra says:

    Please know you are not alone in feeling what you feel. We all have something we are or have dealt with and its natural. What I have recently learned is to extend self compassion to myself the same way I extend compassion to others. Try to focus on the positive rather than dwell in the negative. As humans we tend to focus on the negatives. Easier said than done but so worth it. Thank you for this very vulnerable post.

    • Jessie says:

      Thank you so much, Sandra. <3 That's a wonderful way to think about it. I feel that I'm an extremely compassionate and loving person to EVERY person in my life ... apart from myself. How fair is that? And I agree with you on dwelling on the negatives. I have worked really hard to be in a positive mindset and that's something I really want back.

  6. Torry says:

    Ugh im totally there with you right now like I said yesterday. It’s such an awful feeling having to delete pictures and not posting them bc of how I feel in them. I keep hoping that at some point it’s going to click in my mind and I’m going to LOVE working out again or be able to totally resist that second helping of dinner but right now I’m just not there. Baby steps. That’s my goal right now. Baby steps.

    • Jessie says:

      It’s so awful! Baby steps is an amazing goal. I think I’m going to try to start thinking that way, too. Sometimes it’s crazy how we can only focus on this huge big picture goal and forget that it takes little steps to get there.

  7. Brit says:

    I feel that this is something many people struggle with, including myself–sometimes I am so hard on myself! Perfect example, last weekend I was beating myself up because a pair of shorts are too tight–when in November those shorts wouldn’t even go up over my butt and I cried because I was supposed to be going on a tropical vacation and NOTHING made me feel confident or happy. It is sometimes too easy to forget how far we have come in our fitness journey– I should be celebrating that these shorts fit and use it as inspiration to see how far I have come, but instead have found something new to pick myself apart about. I love that you posted this even though it is a scary thing to post–so often I feel like you are in my head when I read your blog, it is so relatable to me and my life. Your job change actually recently inspired me to begin applying for new work as I have been unhappy for awhile and kept thinking I haven’t been here long enough to “allow” myself to move on–your job switch made me see that nothing is worth putting my happiness on hold. I have commented this before but I love how you keep it real and open up about your challenges–career, fitness, money, anything and everything! Reading what you write makes me feel not so alone xo

    • Jessie says:

      That’s so true, Brit! It’s so hard to sometimes step back and be like, “Oh yeah, I kicked ASS to get to where I am right now” instead of, “WHY AM I NOT FURTHER?!” Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ This was on my heart and mind and I figured if nothing else, there would be women out there that would feel the same (like you!) That’s so crazy that you find me that relatable! OH MY GOSH, good luck looking for a new job. Let me know if you need any help/advice/someone to vent to about the process. I’m so happy we’ve connected! <3 This comment means so much, thank you!

  8. Megan says:

    I can totally relate to how you are feeling (as I think just about everyone else can too!). I’ve kind of been in your spot where I hit my goal weight & then haven’t seen it ever since. In fact, I’m about 15 pounds heavier now & I feel it. It’s SO HARD to find that balance… where you want to live your life but also lose weight/stay within macros/etc. I do have to agree with a few other comments— you have had a lot going on since January! Moving to Chicago, starting a new job, hating said job which creates more stress, and then finding a new job! Stress is evil & carries over to all parts of life. ๐Ÿ™ Give yourself some grace,girl! ๐Ÿ™‚ (I know, easier said than done) You’re in a much better job plus you’re getting A PUPPY soon!
    P.S.– we need to chat soon! It’s been too long!
    Megan recently posted…A Not-So-Happy Adoption WeekendMy Profile

    • Jessie says:

      You’re very right (and the other commenters). I have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself and I see the moving, job, stress, etc. as “excuses” but they’re really not! And YES to chatting – oh my gosh! It’s been like MONTHS. I was definitely still living in Green Bay. Text me sometime soon! The rest of this week is shot, but maybe sometime next?

  9. Marette Flora says:

    I have felt this way many times in my life. I hope you get to where you love your body no matter the number you see on the scale. It’s tough to actually do that. After moving here I definitely gained weight, too. Adjustment periods are always difficult. I tended to use foods as comfort, which made me unhappy with how I looked. But now I just try to accept and love where I am. Easier said than done, I know. P.S. I will text you soon to set up a time to hang out!

  10. shannon says:

    I think we will always critique how we look and compare ourselves to others. At certain stages of our lives we seem more hard on ourselves than others.

    For instance, I’m getting married in a month and look nothing like how I wanted to look on my wedding day. I spent months being upset with myself not sticking to my diet/exercise program and constantly falling off the wagon. I had a million excuses, I still do. My other half kept getting upset with me and how I was constantly upset with myself. It was ugly. Truth be told, I came to terms with it. This is how I look at this stage of my life. It represents how crazy and busy life has been, but also how happy I’ve been not stressing about what I’m eating and how much I’m exercising. I know i’ll get back on track eventually. So rather than keep beating myself up, I’m focusing on the fact I’m marring the love of my life and I’m truly the happiest I’ve ever been, even if I weigh way more than I had hoped.

    Try to ignore your scale and focus on what is making you happy right.now. You have a supportive boyfriend, a new job with great perks, a new gym to play around in and you’re going to be a fur mom in a month.. The happier you are, the more you want to do things that make you happy and feel better about yourself.

    • Jessie says:

      Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, Shannon! You’re so right to focus on the positive instead of being so hard on myself for the negative. And I’m sure you’ll be gorgeous for your wedding – congratulations!!

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