Alright, let’s talk about this subject.
I hate the way I look.
Let’s not even sugar coat that.
My body image has basically plummeted the last few months and all I see is fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Big fat failure.
That’s what I see.
I don’t think this will surprise any of you that have read week after week of “failing” during my IIFYM posts I do.
I’ve gained about 6-7 pounds since my most comfortable(ish) weight. I tried to convince myself that I was just stressed. Or gaining muscle. Or enjoying life. Or getting used to things. Or struggling with hypothyroidism. Or struggling with an eating disorder. I can keep going if you’d like to hear all of my excuses. 😉
For any of you that have struggled with being overweight in the past (or any type of insecurity – not for me to judge) you know that sometimes you’ll put on your “fat girl glasses” and that’s all I can see. I see myself at my heaviest weight that’s still 30+ lbs heavier than I am right now, but I see her. I see that girl. And I thought I got rid of her.
And that’s where the problem is. I never “got rid of her” – she is ME.
I was Jessie at 115 lbs growing up when my cheerleading coach told me I was too fat for the uniform and I most definitely wasn’t.
I was Jessie at 165 lbs, my most unhealthy weight after college.
I was Jessie at 122 lbs when I got home from Hawaii, had been restricting myself for months and looked super skinny (which is not the way I want to look, btw).
I was Jessie at 128 lbs in Charleston, feeling a bit bloated from stomach issues, but happy and strong.
I’m Jessie now at 134 lbs, feeling gross.
I’m actually currently sitting on my couch in a bra and underwear because it’s so hot and I keep picking at my bloated stomach and flabby side butt. Yesterday I cried to my boyfriend about feeling so badly about how I look. I cried in a dressing room a few weeks ago because of how I looked. I cried yesterday because I couldn’t believe I “let myself go”.
This is all such bullshit.
I’ve work SO hard for my body and yes, I’ve fallen off the wagon and have been basically been pulled behind that wagon, kicking and screaming for the last four months. No, I will not meet my goal of being 125 lbs by June, which has been my goal since January.
And then there’s Instagram. And YouTube. And my boyfriend’s clients. And my boyfriend, who always has a six pack. There’s so many ways to get into an extremely unhealthy mindset comparing yourself to others. Instead of looking at a girl and thinking she’s beautiful, I now look at a girl, think she’s beautiful and wonder why I can’t look like that. How shitty is that?!
I really don’t have a point to this blog post (if you haven’t figured that out already). All I know is that I’m tired of feeling like crap about myself. I’m tired of binge-eating and hiding it so that no one knows. I’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror and feeling disgusted. I’m tired of not wanting my boyfriend to touch my stomach. I’m tired of rolling my eyes when he or someone else tells me I’m pretty.
I AM T.I.R.E.D.
Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to get back to a point where I feel pretty and strong. But no matter how much weight I lose or bloat that goes away or muscle that pops through. The real focus needs to be on getting my self-confidence back up to a healthy space. THAT’S what’s important. Now I just need to figure out where to start.
Okay, sorry for the lack of photos but I honestly don’t take them anymore because I’m never “feelin’ myself”. I wrote this post a couple days ago as a way to let off some steam and I had no intention of publishing it, but I feel like I need to.
Have you ever experienced something like this? What do you do to get past it? Help a girl out.
(PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE WEIGHT PERSONALLY. I tried to write this without the weight and it just didn’t flow. I’m not saying you’re fat if you’re over 165 lbs. I’m not saying you’re skinny if you’re under 125 lbs. This is literally me pouring out my heart to you, even though I *know* it’s completely me being too hard on myself. xoxo)