I Hate The Way I Look

*breathes deeply*

Alright, let’s talk about this subject.

I hate the way I look.

Let’s not even sugar coat that.

My body image has basically plummeted the last few months and all I see is fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Big fat failure.

That’s what I see.

I don’t think this will surprise any of you that have read week after week of “failing” during my IIFYM posts I do.

I’ve gained about 6-7 pounds since my most comfortable(ish) weight. I tried to convince myself that I was just stressed. Or gaining muscle. Or enjoying life. Or getting used to things. Or struggling with hypothyroidism. Or struggling with an eating disorder. I can keep going if you’d like to hear all of my excuses. 😉

For any of you that have struggled with being overweight in the past (or any type of insecurity – not for me to judge) you know that sometimes you’ll put on your “fat girl glasses” and that’s all I can see. I see myself at my heaviest weight that’s still 30+ lbs heavier than I am right now, but I see her. I see that girl. And I thought I got rid of her.

And that’s where the problem is. I never “got rid of her” – she is ME.

I was Jessie at 115 lbs growing up when my cheerleading coach told me I was too fat for the uniform and I most definitely wasn’t.

I was Jessie at 165 lbs, my most unhealthy weight after college.

I was Jessie at 122 lbs when I got home from Hawaii, had been restricting myself for months and looked super skinny (which is not the way I want to look, btw).

I was Jessie at 128 lbs in Charleston, feeling a bit bloated from stomach issues, but happy and strong.

I’m Jessie now at 134 lbs, feeling gross.

I’m actually currently sitting on my couch in a bra and underwear because it’s so hot and I keep picking at my bloated stomach and flabby side butt. Yesterday I cried to my boyfriend about feeling so badly about how I look. I cried in a dressing room a few weeks ago because of how I looked. I cried yesterday because I couldn’t believe I “let myself go”.

This is all such bullshit.

I’ve work SO hard for my body and yes, I’ve fallen off the wagon and have been basically been pulled behind that wagon, kicking and screaming for the last four months. No, I will not meet my goal of being 125 lbs by June, which has been my goal since January.

And then there’s Instagram. And YouTube. And my boyfriend’s clients. And my boyfriend, who always has a six pack. There’s so many ways to get into an extremely unhealthy mindset comparing yourself to others. Instead of looking at a girl and thinking she’s beautiful, I now look at a girl, think she’s beautiful and wonder why I can’t look like that. How shitty is that?!

I really don’t have a point to this blog post (if you haven’t figured that out already). All I know is that I’m tired of feeling like crap about myself. I’m tired of binge-eating and hiding it so that no one knows. I’m tired of seeing myself in the mirror and feeling disgusted. I’m tired of not wanting my boyfriend to touch my stomach. I’m tired of rolling my eyes when he or someone else tells me I’m pretty.

I AM T.I.R.E.D.

Yes, I want to lose weight. Yes, I want to get back to a point where I feel pretty and strong. But no matter how much weight I lose or bloat that goes away or muscle that pops through. The real focus needs to be on getting my self-confidence back up to a healthy space. THAT’S what’s important. Now I just need to figure out where to start.

Okay, sorry for the lack of photos but I honestly don’t take them anymore because I’m never “feelin’ myself”. I wrote this post a couple days ago as a way to let off some steam and I had no intention of publishing it, but I feel like I need to.

Have you ever experienced something like this? What do you do to get past it? Help a girl out. 

(PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE WEIGHT PERSONALLY. I tried to write this without the weight and it just didn’t flow. I’m not saying you’re fat if you’re over 165 lbs. I’m not saying you’re skinny if you’re under 125 lbs. This is literally me pouring out my heart to you, even though I *know* it’s completely me being too hard on myself. xoxo)

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week #10

Workout Wednesday time!

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
We did bump my macros down (about 100 calories a day) and I’ve been on track for part of the week … and then Thursday-Sunday, I fail. 🙁 I’m working on it! So far this week has been okay.

Workouts:
My workouts have been a little all over the place. I’ve had to work-from-home a few times (so I don’t have access to a gym) and I was sick to my stomach last Friday so I walked to the gym and then Ben and I decided it was best I didn’t workout anyway. But the workouts I have gotten in have been amazing! I can’t wait to get my OWN gym in the city (meaning a gym that’s not associated with my job OR Benjamin’s job) – soon!

How it’s going:
It’s going pretty well, actually! I feel like my body image issues are getting a little better. It helps having a boyfriend who is extremely fit, yet still finds me incredibly beautiful. It’s hard to be so down on myself when he’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am. So… props to the boy. 😉

As far as workouts/food, I’m still working on it. But I’m getting there! It’s been stressful since moving to Chicago and finding out the job I’m working in just isn’t the right fit. That negativity just leaks into other parts my life.

Progress:
I actually was up about a half pound again last week – grrrr. I’ve been really struggling with digestion, which obviously doesn’t help. Even if I’m eating well, if nothing is … coming out … (I’M SORRY, TMI) then I’m not exactly going to lose any weight. I’m still hoping that I’m under 130 lbs by June 1. That seems to be a big plateau for me. I know weight isn’t everything so I’m not focusing on that entirely, but the weight I’m in is a little to uncomfortable for me!

How’s your workouts/eating going this week?

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week #9

Back at it with another Workout Wednesday – can’t believe I’m on week 9.

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
I was pretty on point until Saige came to visit, which I assumed would happen!

With that said, Ben did cut my macros by 100 calories. Doesn’t seem like a lot, but it sucks at 9 p.m. when I’m looking for a snack and realize I can’t have one. Have to just rethink some of my meals, since I pretty much eat the same thing every day with little variety – only because that’s what I like. So basically a lot of rice and like, zero vegetables and fruit. 😉

Workouts:
Same as the macros! I did a strong workout Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but missed Thursday-Saturday. That’s okay, though. Life happens!

How’s it going:
Pretty well! I’m still working on my body image issues, but I’ve been feeling better the last couple of days. I will say, I was trying on clothes in the Zara changing room and started crying because I hated the way I looked. DUMB but true. So I’m trying to change my mindset.

Progress:
I’m up another .2 lbs as of last Friday (which is when I weigh myself) but … I wasn’t surprised I wasn’t on track as much as I should’ve been and my body just isn’t catching on to dieting on 1600 calories unfortunately. So we dropped calories and I’m trying to stick to it as much as possible. We’ll see what this Friday brings us!

How’s your week going?

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week #8

I skipped over this weekly post last week when I had the stomach flu, so it’s time for a workout update!

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
These were obviously off all last week. I was on track on Monday, then it all went out the window when I got sick on Tuesday morning. I didn’t start tracking again until this Monday.

Workouts:
I actually didn’t workout for a WEEK which is crazy for me. I worked out LAST last Saturday with Ben, which you can see in that weekend recap, but Monday I was feeling so exhausted (the preview to my sickness) so I skipped. Then Tuesday-Friday I obviously wasn’t getting in any workouts. Saturday Ben and I finally got in a workout (did I mention he had the same stomach flu?!) though I just lifted “light” deadlifts and did some sumo squats. Still felt good to get back into it, though!

So far this week I’ve been on track. I’ve started more of a hypertrophy section to my coaching with Ben which I’m enjoying so far. Monday was an upper body (strength) workout, yesterday was lower body hypertrophy and today is an upper body (pull) day. Hoping I can get that in over my lunch break today!

How’s it going:
It’s going. The sickness definitely set me back. I ate what I could and then by the weekend when I was feeling better, I ate ALL the things. I definitely need to nip things in the butt. Ben and I were chatting about cutting my calories last night and being more strict with treat meals, at least until I get to a more comfortable weight for my height. My best friend from Milwaukee is coming into the city tomorrow night – Saturday, so I won’t be tracking or working out strictly then, but there’s no excuse after that! I want to be feeling my best for summer!

Progress:
I’m actually down about a pound as of Friday, but that could’ve been from the lack of good food besides rice and crackers. I’ve been feeling extremely bloated the last week and we’re still trying to get my thyroid medication figured out. I’m also trying to cut back caffeine to once per day, then hopefully to only once or twice a week as a treat. I’m about 3.2 lbs since we started this 8 weeks ago and while I know weight isn’t the only progress-checker, I don’t feel any better. I don’t see muscles peeking through. I still feel like I’m at an uncomfortable weight. So, tiime to kick it into high gear! I don’t have an exact goal, but we do have a wedding in early June in Nashville and I’d like to AT LEAST be feeling a bit more comfortable with my weight and beat the bloat by then.

What have you done to move your body this week? 

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week #6

Happy Hump Day! Time for our weekly fitness update. How are you liking these, by the way?

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
I was actually very consistent with my macros last week, until I hit the weekend. For the most part, I still stayed within my calories (apart from Friday since I had a couple of drinks) but I was pretty good! We’re thinking about messing with my macros a bit so I have more room to “play” on the weekends since I have so many friends coming to visit in the next few weeks. Ben is also finding it difficult being a coach AND a boyfriend. He made me pancakes for breakfast on Sunday and they’re not exactly macro-friendly, but he wanted to do something sweet for me. I’ll take pancakes from the BF over abs any day. 😉

Workouts:
I did alllll of my five workouts last week – yay! I was extremely sore after my workout last Tuesday, but still managed to push through. My lower back is still slightly irritating, but so far no injuries (fingers crossed).

How it’s going:
So much better! I feel much stronger this past week plus motivated to keep at it. I’ve been trying to separate work and my workouts (since I workout at work) and that’s been helping. Remembering I LOVE working out, and it gets me away from the painful day for a little bit.

Progress:
I weighed in on Friday and I was feeling lean. I lost about a pound, which is pretty good. Hopefully I am able to shed some lbs this week, too, especially after a crazy weekend! Still trying to figure that part out.

What’s your favorite healthy food? Unhealthy food?

Trader Joe’s Haul!

After a small haitus with videos, I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. Of course, I filmed this Trader Joe’s Haul, did a beautiful thumbnail and then forgot to upload said thumbnail so now you get my dumb face … BUT it’s a fun video, I promise. It includes most of my staples from TJ’s and a few fun things I bought!

I’m so happy that I’m close to a TJs again!

Are you a Trader Joe’s fan?
What are some of your faves?

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week 5

Good morning! Sorry my workout Wednesday post is a bit late – I’ve been at the DMV all more (gag). It actually wasn’t a horrible experience and I officially have an Illinois license and plates.

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
Struggled again last week with macros and the weekend was pretty much a guessing game because I went out to eat twice. But so far this Monday/Tuesday I’ve been perfect on my macros so that’s great! Still no change in them … we’ll see how this week of consistency goes.

Workouts:
My workouts were a bit off again last week. I ended up working from home on Tuesday (so no gym) due to the snowstorm, then again on Wednesday because I fell on the ice on my way to work (no gym). Thursday is normally my off day + I work in the city (no gym). So FRIDAY I finally worked out upper body with Ben and Saturday I had an awesome lower body workout with him as well (and then we got burgers YIKES!) Yesterday I actually did a lower body workout that kicked.my.butt. but I loved it. Have to get in cardio/abs today over lunch!

How’s it going:
Better. I’ve still be struggling with self image issues, though. Working through those!

Progress:
My weight stayed the same this week, but since I had a few times of overeating and not tracking, I understand why. I’m just happy I didn’t gain weight. My thyroid seems to be regulating itself, so that’s a step in the right direction!

What did you do to keep your body healthy this week?

Workout Wednesday: IIFYM Week 3

So I’m officially through with IIFYM Week 3 and it.was.a.struggle.

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
I actually stayed pretty on track with my macros this week, minus a “treat meal” on Friday night. I did have a few slip-ups, but mostly stayed within my calories. Unfortunately, I think we’re going to have to knock down my calories. I’m not a “lucky one” who can diet on 1600+ calories a day. BOO.

Workouts:
I was pretty on track all week and only missed one HIIT workout. My Saturday workout was a bit short (as you read about in my Weekend Recap) but I got it in. Everything felt good, minus the back pain on Saturday so I did have to go a little lighter. HOWEVER, Friday’s upper body workout with Ben … he upped all of my weight and I’m stronger than I thought. Imagine that. 😉

How it’s going:
It’s all going well! Unfortunately we really thought we’d be able to get my metabolism under control so I didn’t have to cut calories much to diet, but I kinda knew that wouldn’t work in the back of my mind. Don’t worry – dieting won’t be forever. I just want to get back down to a more comfortable weight before summer. Remember, I’m 5’1″, so even 2 pounds on me feels like 7 on a normal human.

Progress:
I actually gained another .4 lbs this week. Not too worried about it. I do actually feel a tiny bit leaner in my upper body, though. My stomach is holding on the bloat like a fiend, but I’m hoping things will even out soon. I’m feeling super strong!

What is your favorite workout?
Do you diet? What do you do to lose a few pounds (or gain)?

Workout Wednesday: Week 2

So, I gained weight this week. BOO. Which is understandable if you read my post from this weekend where I went completely off my macros for the entire weekend basically …

Workout Wednesday

Macros:
Like I said above, my macros weren’t spot on this week, though I did well during the week. Ben did up my calories this week, but I doubt that’s why I gained weight. I’m going to guess the alcohol, restaurant trips and cake might have done that. 😉

Workouts:
I did all but one. Last Friday I was approved to work-from-home but since Ben has to be with me when I workout at his gym, he wasn’t available on Friday. WE BLAME HIM! 🙂 My workout with him Saturday was frustrating because my lower back is killing me. Hopefully that goes away – I just sit WAY too much between my job and my commute.

How it’s going:
It’s going well, minus the little bumps I told you about above. We’ll get there!

Progress:
I gained 1 lb back this week, but I did go up to 175 in deadlifts (which I just realized now looking at the above photo … I added two more 10#plates instead of 5# – whoops) I’m not really seeing any changes in my body yet, but it’s been two weeks where I’ve been back on track so I’m not surprised.

What have you done to move your body this week?

What I Eat in a Day: Unprepared IIFYM Day

Hey friends! I’ve done these “What I Eat in a Day” videos on my YouTube channel (which homegirl needs to get back into…) but I thought it might be interesting to write about, especially since I’ve started counting my macros again for If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM).

One thing Ben and I are working on with me is not being so unbelievably meticulous with counting instead and using macros as a way to live. Granted, I want to get lean so I need to be stricter than a normal human, but I’m not in competition prep so there’s no use killing myself to hit my macros by the gram. Today (well technically yesterday when this is published) is Monday, February 20 and I am NOT prepared. Normally I’d meal prep most of my meals, but I didn’t have time this weekend and I have nothing in my apartment.

Also, I don’t think I need to tell you my exact macros, but I try to stay around 1600 calories and we’ll start cutting calories once my weight doesn’t seem to be coming off. If you ever want to know anything about macros or IIFYM or personal training or secrets about me, seriously contact Ben. He’s extremely insightful – I promise I’m not just saying that. 😉 I’ve had three IIFYM coaches now and he’s definitely the most knowledgeable I’ve ever had.

So, now that I have four paragraphs of nonsense for you to read, here’s my What I Eat in a Day! FYI: I track all of my food in My Fitness Pal.

What I eat in a Day

8:30 a.m.: I thought I forgot my Quest bar, so I stopped quickly at Starbucks and got a Reduced Fat Turkey Bacon Sandwich + a Skinny Vanilla Latte. SVL is a great option if you’re like me and don’t like straight coffee. A grande is 80 calories, with 12C, 0F and 7P. Not too shabby! Now I would love to get rid of the ~$4-5 price tag …
Calories: 310; 40C, 6F, 20P

Starbuck

^^ Repurposed photo because I’m pretty sure 99% of my pictures on my iPhone history are of Starbucks so … you get the idea.

11 a.m.: Upper body workout

12:15 p.m.: Overpriced salad and Diet Mountain Dew from cafeteria at work. Obvioulsy I can’t weigh anything and I’m just guessing on brands, but I tried to get as close as possible. The salad had romaine lettuce, a hard boiled egg, mushrooms, cucumber, black olives, shredded carrot, a little bit of small noodles, little bit of tortilla strips for crunch and as much turkey as I could fit in the box #protein. I put a small amount of light ranch on it and shook it all up! Probably not the best choice of stuff + I’m sure I over-exaggerated the amount in the salad, but it’s the only option since I was unprepared.
Calories: 461; 43C, 19F, 32P

12:55 p.m.: Start sipping on BCAAs because I’m already feeling hungry after that stupid salad. I’m pretty sure I underestimated calories but …
Calories: 0

2:45 p.m.: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest bar time. Not a huge fan of this flavor anymore unless I can broil it because they’re SO HARD. I have a meeting at 3, so trying to hold myself over. Honestly, it tasted awful because it was so hard, but I had no other option so down the hatch …
Calories: 190; 20C, 9F, 21P

Cookie Dough Quest Bar

6:50 p.m.: Chipotle burrito bowl! The best part about being unprepared. I nixed the guac this time (BOOO) because I didn’t have enough fat left for the day, but still tasty nonetheless. Brown rice, chicken, fajita veggies, pico, medium salsa & lettuce. I also got Ben a bowl because I’m the best girlfriend ever and also he cooks for me all the time and I eat all his food. I ate that bowl SO FAST 10-minutes before my call with my coach. 
Calories: 420; 48C, 13F, 37P

Chipotle Burrito Bowl

Speaking of being unprepared, I spent $40 on food just for today (granted, $10 of that was for Ben). So $30 on three meals. That’s dumb – don’t do what I did. #MEALPREPFTW

9 p.m.: Cinnamon Toast Crunch with almond milk. Just a few carbs to cancel out my night.
Calories: 145; 26C, 4F, 1P

Totals:1526 calories; 177C, 51F, 111P

I can’t be 100% sure how accurate I was today, but I’m working on not letting that bother me!